~*~ Happy Birthday Jim Carrey – January 17th ~*~
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
You’ve been on your hustle and everything’s been working out peachy lately, right? Well good news for boss bitch Capricorns, you’re going to be riding this gravy train for the rest of the month. Lady Luck is on your side so this is your chance to take a risk – apply for that new job, ask out the hottie at your gym, or hit the casino with the squad. This month is yours.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
Cupid is about to shoot a big fat arrow into your ass. Love is in the air for single lady Aquarians. Maybe Tinder turned up nothing but fuckbois in 2016, but sit tight – that’s about to change. Mr. Right is right around the corner so take a chance and let that new guy you’ve been sexting wine and dine you. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
A rumor goes in one ear then out many mouths. Some pot-stirring hoe is going to try and spread a nasty rumor about you this month. You’re going to be tempted to badmouth her on social media, but repeat the mantra of our Lordess and Savioress Michelle Obama to yourself: “When they go low, we go high.” You’ll be glad you took the high road.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
This month you’re going to be in the mood to be bougie and extra. You want the limelight, and baby, it’s yours. This is your month to put on a flashy outfit, strut your stuff, and be the first one on the dance floor or wow the audience with your pipes at karaoke night. You were born to be a star and this is your chance to show it. Don’t worry ‘bout the haters – they’re jealous.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
The Karma Police are suited up. Remember that time you had to call your weird cousin to bail you out of jail? Well weird cousin is going to need something from you soon. In the words of The Beatles: “I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.” It’s a pain in the ass, but you have to be a friend this month. Be nice and the good karma will come back around.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20)
Gemini, we hate to break it to you, but it’s time to detox. On January 1st, sweep up the confetti and wash out your Champagne Supernova glasses, because the party is over – for now. It’s been a wild holiday season, but you must rehab your liver, hit the gym, and start 2017 out right. You’ll thank yourself when it’s time for the summer pool parties.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22)
Spring cleaning is coming early for Cancers. The planets are aligning for you to finally get your shit together. Whether it’s finally throwing away all those empty Starbucks cups that have been accumulating on the floor of your car or organizing your dildo collection, you’re in the mood to make a to-do list and check it twice. Take this spurt of productivity and run with it.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
To be blunt, this month you’re going to be blunt. Filters are for Instagram, not for your mouth. Be yourself and speak your truth, just be careful you’re not needlessly lashing out. Be bold, be blunt, be frank, but speak with wisdom and compassion and you’re going to make a difference. Kanye West is your spirit animal this month.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
You’re not a stranger to telling white lies if it means preventing hurt feelings, but you will soon be confided with some seriously secret drama. And it may be some shit that needs to be exposed. Trust your gut, consult your Ouija Board, or talk to your shrink about it, but some major deliberation needs to take place before you decide whether to air this dirty laundry or not.
Libra (9/23 – 10/21)
PDA ALERT! Your boo has decided it’s time you get lavished with some extra attention like the Queen you are. You might be getting a surprise gift, a WCW blast on the Facebooks, or an exclamation of “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!” on the steps of a cathedral causing a bunch of pigeons to take flight (okay, let’s hope not.) Bask in the attention!
Scorpio (10/22 – 11/21)
You’ve never been one to expect a lot of kudos for your accomplishments, even when you know you deserve it, but you’ve been killing the game lately and you’re due for some recognition. Prepare for your 15 minutes of fame at work or in your social circle. Even though it might feel weird at first, you must channel your inner Lady Gaga and live for the applause.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
That’s not crabs you have, it’s the travel bug and it’s starting to itch! You haven’t been on a vacay in what, like two or three months? That’s way too long for a jetsetter like yourself. Book a flight and prepare to say PEACE to your corner of the world. At the very least, treat yo’ self to a new outfit to help you escape the winter doldrums if you can’t physically get away.