In the months following my 25th birthday, I lost about 30 pounds and it has been awesome. Especially because I didn’t think losing weight was even possible for me. I grew up a really skinny kid so I had no idea about portion control, and so in college, when my teenage metabolism dropped, my Freshman 15 turned into the Freshman 40. I watched my weight for seven years inch up and up and up and never once drop down even by a pound. So it’s crazy to me that I’ve lost this much weight and I’m getting closer and closer to my ultimate goal of fitting in my prom dresses.

I also thought it was never possible for me to lose weight because I’m a giant piece of shit.

Now, I’m not saying that in a demeaning or self-loathing kind of way. I know I’m a piece of shit and I like that about myself. My heroes are Charles Bukowski, Louis CK, and Daria because I relate to them. Not gonna change.

These are a few of my favorite things:

-Drinking

-Smoking

-Having food delivered to my bed

-Staying up all night and sleeping all day

-Or, conversely, day drinking

-Fast food

 

I hold these truths to be self-evident:

-I have a bad attitude

-I’m broke as fuck

-I have never been an athletic person ever

-I’m impulsive and have no self-discipline

-I do not like to cook

 

Combine the above hobbies with the above personality traits and this is not a recipe for a happy, healthy, in shape person. Or so I thought. I always thought in shape people were rich people who woke up at 5 a.m. in a great mood and went jogging in the park with their golden retriever in a cute outfit from Lululemon and then happily ate a grapefruit for breakfast while watching the sun rise.

So not true.

I’m still the same asshole I was when I was 24, but this year, I’m an asshole who actually likes to workout. I’ve even  become one of those people who enjoys running. I make healthy eating choices without even thinking about it. It’s crazy even to me.

So, having been recently fired from one of my jobs, I’ve had some time to reflect upon how – after years of trying and giving up – I have finally committed to losing the weight and keeping it off.

  1. Create Your Own Rock Bottom
  2. You Don’t Have To Spend Any Money
  3. Don’t Push Yourself
  4. Make It Fun & Be Yourself
  5. Congratulate Yourself For Every Little Thing
  6. Be Shallow
  7. Constantly Remind Yourself Of The Eight Golden Rules

 

Create Your Own Rock Bottom

At my heaviest, I weighed 143 pounds. I wasn’t overweight. I was one BMI point away from being overweight, but no one except probably Kate Moss would have called me fat. I was still skinnier than most people I know. Granted, I’d noticeably gained enough weight that this asshole from High School made a comment about it, but I could’ve skated through life like that and probably been fine. But the truth is, I wasn’t happy. I was constantly obsessing over the weight I’d gained. Analyzing my thighs in the mirror. Lying awake at night thinking about my stomach. Spending whole days at work on Pinterest making workout plans. Crying in dressing rooms. Agonizing over the additional weight I was sure to gain if I didn’t do something. It sucked. I know it’s society’s fault I felt that way, but IT STILL SUCKED. Something HAD to change.

So, like I said, I wasn’t fat enough to have hit a rock bottom. People often say, “You’ll make the change when you’re ready.” Well, when I was going to be ready? When was the light switch going to go off?

I decided to create my own rock bottom.

I set February 3, 2016 as the first day of the rest of my life. The reasons being that my birthday is on January 31st and my best friend Josh’s birthday is on February 2nd. I was going to party hard and go on a huge bender for our birthdays and completely gross myself out to the point of no return. Basically that thing of where your parents catch you smoking and make you eat a whole pack of cigarettes so you never want to smoke again – except you’re doing it to yourself.

So I partied all night, drank all day, didn’t shower, didn’t put on makeup, I wore this huge tie-dye hoodie the whole time and was just a giant decroded piece of crap for four days. On the night of the fourth day – Josh’s Harry Potter Birthday Party – I was lying in bed dying from my quadruple-dog hangover and scouring the carry out menu from the seafood restaurant across the street. I never eat there because the cheapest thing on the menu is $17 and because my boyfriend’s ex works there, but I was seriously so desperate for quick and easy food, I didn’t care.

So I’m lying in bed, about to call and order my lobster macaroni & cheese and filet minon that I felt I so deserved and it happened. The light switch went off. I remember literally thinking, “You know what? Fuck this. It’s time.”

So I jumped out of bed, got in my car, went to Walmart in my pajamas and bought stuff to make turkey wraps, almonds, baby carrots, bananas, and yogurt.

Then I went home and made all my lunches for the rest of the week, starting my new life one day early. I ended up missing Josh’s birthday party – and he was justifiably pissed – but I think it was the first time in my life I’d turned down an opportunity to party in favor of doing something clean and healthy for myself.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wait until things get so bad that you can’t stand it anymore. If you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, then that’s a good enough reason to get started. Set a date to start your new life and plan your rock bottom.

You Don’t Have To Spend Any Money

I’m a former English major so, needless to say, I’m poor as fuck. After rent, bills, food, and gas, I have like $100 left to get me through the month. And I spend that on gin & tonic that I drink out of a martini glass in my shitty apartment. So, I can’t afford cute workout clothes or a fitbit or a gym membership or anything. I think a lot of people think that if they drop some major coin then that’ll motivate them to work out. “Well, I spent $50 on this shake weight so I’m definitely going to use it everyday and get my money’s worth!” Wrong! I think this is dumbest thing ever. It’s like when people buy a Kindle because they think it’ll make them like reading. I hate those people. You don’t need to spend a single dime to get in shape. All you need, starting off, are body weight work outs. These are workouts that don’t require any equipment, like push ups and jumping jacks. All you need is to create a workout plan using body weight exercises, which I will detail how I did that in the next chapter.

Your pajamas are perfectly decent workout clothes. Especially for a newbie like you who’s working out alone in their house. Hell, one time I even worked out in my Domino’s uniform. And don’t even tell me you don’t have 100 free T-shirts from this thing or that thing lying on your bedroom floor. Just work out in one of those and your underwear. It seriously does not matter.

You don’t have to have super nice tennis shoes. I’m punk rock af (obviously) so I have never owned a pair of sporty shoes in my life. The closest thing would be chucks. DO NOT WORK OUT IN CHUCKS. Seriously, it hurts. When I was first starting out, I just worked out barefoot. Then, once I knew I was serious (about a month in), I bought some ugly ass tennis shoes from Payless for like $12. Now, that I’m six months in, I’ve splurged on some actual running shoes. You gotta EARN THAT SHIT. You don’t get to have cool workout stuff until you become a person who works out. I’ll discuss that more in the chapter entitled, “Congratulate Yourself For Every Little Thing.”

You don’t need accessories. You don’t need that thing that straps your phone to your arm. Hold it in your hand like a man (don’t put in your bra because if you sweat too much it’ll fuck up your phone). You don’t need a fitbit. You don’t need a camel pack. You don’t need those stretchy bands.

Keep in mind, this is advice for when you’re first starting out. As you advance in your workouts, you may begin to realize that you want a kettle bell or a medicine ball or whatever. You have to actually work out for awhile before you realize which items you want and which ones you don’t need. Over the summer I joined a gym because I realized that I like running, but it got too hot to run outside. These things will come to you with time.

THAT BEING SAID … I think it’s a good idea to go ahead and buy some 5 lb. dumbbells at the beginning. There are too many good uses for them. And if you don’t have a room in your house with carpet, it’s probably a good idea to buy a yoga mat.

Now, I’ve talked a lot about working out on the cheap. What about dieting on the cheap? Everyone knows that salads are expensive and they taste gross. I always thought that only rich people and people on food stamps could afford to eat healthy. Having fallen through the proverbial crack, I thought I was destined to a life of McDoubles and Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes.

I remember reading one time about the diet of a Victoria’s Secret model. She ate nothing but seeds/berry/salad combinations prepared for her by a professional chef. I remember thinking, “I’d rather be fat.”

So here’s what I did. I continued to eat drive-through for just about every meal except I started choosing the healthier options. Here’s all you need to know about eating healthy:

Chicken, turkey, fish = good

Pork, steak, hamburger = bad

Brown grains = good

White grains = bad

Fried = bad

Grilled = good

Protein > Carbs  (protein = meat and nuts.  carbs = bread, rice, pasta, potatoes)

Don’t overcomplicate your life. When you go to McDonald’s, get the Grilled Chicken Snack Wrap instead of a McDouble. At Taco Bell, get a chicken burrito instead of a beef burrito. I need to go to Confession for the number of Grilled Chicken Snack Wraps I have eaten in the past year.

At home I make a lot of turkey wraps. It’s basically a turkey sandwich, but in a whole wheat tortilla. I don’t cook shit. I make brown rice in the microwave sometimes, if that counts as cooking.

IT IS ALSO EXTREMELY HELPFUL TO USE MYFITNESSPAL TO TRACK YOUR CALORIES.

I sound like a bit of a hypocrite right now. “You don’t need to spend any money to lose weight, but you better have a smartphone so you can download this app to track your calories.”

But, pretty much everyone already has a smartphone, so anyway.

My Fitness Pal is a miraculous little app that lets you enter the food you just ate and then it knows how many calories it has. You also put in your current height & weight and then your goal weight and then amount of time to lose said weight and it calculates how many calories you can have a day. I can have 1,200 calories a day.

Pretty much as long as you stay under your calorie goal, it doesn’t matter that much what you eat. It definitely HELPS to eat healthy food, but if you’re only consuming 1,200 calories a day, you’re going to lose weight no matter what.

The only other thing I would say about My Fitness Pal is to track the little bar that tells you your carb goal and your protein goal. Everyday you want to shoot for having more protein than carbs and stay under your carb goal. Don’t let the sodium and fat goals trip you up too bad. Try to stay under those goals, but you’re going to be okay if you go over.

Moral of the Story: You don’t gotta buy Nikes, you gotta Just Do It.

Don’t Push Yourself

I want to start this chapter making this point:

Starting and committing to a diet and exercise routine on top of everything else going on in your life is hard. It’s fucking hard. Don’t try to do too much. Dedicate a few months to focusing on this one goal. Don’t also try to quit smoking during this time. Don’t make a big career change. Go easy on yourself. You don’t have to be perfect right off the bat. Remember, it’s a lifestyle change.

So, if you’re like me, you’ve probably at some point strolled into the gym on January 1st and then spent two hours on the treadmill working yourself to exhaustion only to be sore for a week and see zero results. Then, when your poor muscles finally heal, the last thing you want to do is go to the gym and do it all over again.

If you make working out difficult and torturous, you’re going to give up.

This is why you gotta follow my lazy girl plan to getting in shape.

Lazy Girl Guide To Strength Training:

First, write down five of your favorite moves for abs, arms, legs, and cardio (or any other specific areas you want to work on).

Abs:

Plank

Leg lifts

Bicycle crunches

Crunches

Plank knee to elbow

Legs/Thighs/Butt:

Wall sit

Squats

Leg circles – both legs

Side both lift – both sides

Side one leg lift – both sides

Arms:

Push ups

Tricep kickbacks

Bent lateral raises

Tight arm circles – forward and backward

Big arm circles – forward and backward

Cardio:

Jumping jacks

High knees

Jog in place

Butt kickers

I know it sounds like I’m going really easy on myself. No burpies? No lunges?! That doesn’t seem like very much cardio! Well, I have been seeing results so I must be doing something right. I think it’s really important to do workouts that you enjoy, even if they seem nontraditional or too easy (but not too easy). It makes it fun and something you look forward to and not a chore. I loathe burpies and lunges, so I don’t do them. Just like how I loathe salads, so I don’t eat them.

Okay, so step two of the plan is to alternate arms & legs day with abs & cardio day.  Then alternate your ab moves and your cardio moves. Do the same with arms and legs. So it would look like this:

Monday:

Plank

Jumping jacks

Leg lifts

High knees

Bicycle crunches

Jog in place

Plank knee to elbow

Butt kickers

Tuesday:

Wall sit

Push ups

Squats

Tricep kickbacks

Leg circles

Bent lateral raises

Side both leg lift

Tight arm circles

Side one leg lift

Big arm circles

…and so on…

PLAN YOUR REST DAYS. If you don’t plan your rest days in advance you’ll slack off. “Oh, well, I need a rest day so I’m not going to work out today and I’ll do it tomorrow.” Nope. You need to plan your rest days in advance, and if it’s not rest day then you get your workout in no ifs, ands, or buts. Also, your workouts are easy enough so why not? My rest days were Fridays and Sundays because I knew that I always worked both jobs on Friday and so it’s hard to work out that day. Also, it’s Friday. It’s not time to work out. It’s time to get turnt. Sunday because I’m usually hungover on Sunday so that’s just the way it is.

Ok, next, think about how many of each move you can realistically do. Do you know that you can definitely do 20 squats but 30 seems iffy? Put down 20 squats. It’s better to make your workout a teensy bit too easy at first then adjust later. If your workout is brutally hard you will give up. If your workout is brutally hard you will be so sore the next day you’ll end up having to take a rest day when you’re not supposed to.

After you’ve done the same abs/cardio or arms/legs workout three times (I have found this to be the magic number for your body to adjust to a difficult move), then add more reps. Add what you think is realistic. After doing 20 squats three times, do you think you can move up to 30? Or 40? Or if 20 is killing you, dial it down or keep it there for awhile until they get easier. And trust me, they will get easier. But don’t overestimate what you can do.

As time goes on, you may realize that you really dread a certain move, so swap it out for something else.

Write down your plan and show it to a friend. Show it to everyone! It’s true that people who write down their goals are more likely to achieve them. Talking about your goals a lot also really helps. I have written a lot about my fitness goals on a private blog I have and that has been very helpful. I also have a lot of friends who are also trying to lose weight so talking to them often about it helps a lot too.

Over time, you may morph and change your workout as you see fit. I did the above workout for three months before I came to realize that I really loved jogging in place. I’d just stand there and jog along and watch TV. I got to the point that I was jogging in place for three whole minutes. I had never run for three minutes straight before in my life! That’s was when I decided to start running.

Lazy Girl Guide To Running:

You gotta listen to music while you run. Run one song, walk one song. Run for one mile the first time, then adjust your goal so that you’re running a comfortable amount to where you felt that you got a good workout but you’re not absolutely dead.

Moral of the Story: Working out doesn’t have to suck. It doesn’t have to be painful. People alway say, “It’s a lifestyle change.” Well who wants to make a change for the rest of their life that sucks? Make it easy, make it fun.

Which leads me the next chapter…

Make It Fun & Be Yourself 

Here’s a good rule of thumb I’ve figured out.

Strength training = Watch TV

Cardio = Listen to music

When I first started working out at home, I loved watching The Office while I did it. It had gotten to the point where the two went hand-in-hand so I always look forward to working out because it meant I got to watch The Office. Maybe this is because it’s so funny and enjoyable, it put me at ease and I like that feeling, and then I associated that feeling with working out. So that’s kind of my personal thing. I was worried when I finished The Office that I wouldn’t want to work out anymore. But I started watching Broad City, then Seinfeld, and now I’m on Project Runway.

I think it’s a good idea to try and find something sort of mindless to keep you entertained while you workout. Don’t try to watch House Of Cards or something that’s difficult to follow, because you’ll probably mainly be listening to the show rather than really watching it.

So, what’s something mindless that makes you happy and relaxed? Listening to podcasts? Watching makeup tutorials? Watching porn?? Find that thing and turn it on while you work out! Be consistent. Do that thing every time you work out and you’ll begin to associate working out with the feeling that form of entertainment gives you. It’ll have that Pavlov’s Dog affect.

When I run or ride my bike, I absolutely have to crank my music and rock out or I’m not going to have any fun. In this instance, it’s good to listen to music that you actually like – not just music that you think is workout music. In the past I’d tried listening to stuff like EDM while working out to see if that would get me going. But the truth is, I don’t really like that kind of shit, so it didn’t work.

When I run, I like to listen to Beyonce, Lana Del Rey, garage rock, my guilty pleasure songs, ’90s music, and really dramatic songs. But, most importantly, I listen to songs that I know by heart. Songs that I already love and that get me going. While you’re running is not the time to check out that new album. It’ll have the reverse affect and you’ll start to hate that music because you associate it with working out.

For example, I even like running to slow songs if it’s a song I really love. You know that thing of riding in the car and you stare out the window and pretend you’re in a movie? Running to dramatic slow songs has the same affect. It’s cool.

But that’s just me. Just listen to the shit you like.

And, like I said before, I have a bad attitude. I’m not running like a chipper little cheerleader. When I’m running I like to blast Slipknot and feel my body getting stronger so I can punch all the people I hate. It’s an empowering feeling and it’s very addicting.

Also on the topic of hating people, no one can bother you when you’re on a run. You can literally ignore every phone call, text, and notification because you have the best excuse ever to not respond to people. “Sorry it took me so long to reply, I was on a run.” During that time, no one can ask you to do shit. It’s truly some “me time.” I think that’s why moms love it so much. I’ve found that I’m actually a little bit sad when my run is over because then I have to go back to real life.

Going into a diet and exercise routine with the mindset of “being yourself” goes hand-in-hand with having fun. Listen to the music YOU like. Watch the TV shows YOU like.

But also, you don’t have to change who you are when you decide to become a fit person. You don’t have to suddenly start posting your fitness photos on Instagram with #fitfam if you’re not like that.

I always had a little bit of an identity crisis about getting in shape. In high school, I was Emo. I was not on the volleyball team. I actually have always thought athletic people were kind of dumb. I just didn’t see myself entering that realm. I will never be a sporty, Victoria’s Secret-type girl, and I don’t have to pretend to be like one of those girls just because fitness is important to me. This is actually something that I’ve often struggled with when I start a workout plan – I feel like being athletic or whatever is just. not. me. I’m this Daria type person and can you imagine Daria working out? Probably not. So that’s why I’ve had to come up with a way to do this that doesn’t feel like I’m doing some super weird thing that I would never do if I had the choice like eating a cucumber or going on vacation to Alaska — it wouldn’t be horrible, but I wouldn’t like it. That’s kind of how I’ve always viewed being the type of person who works out. I get it that people workout and they like it – the same way I get it that people go to church and like it – but that’s just not the kind of person I am. I hope I’ve made my point. You gotta just be yourself.

Congratulate Yourself For Every Little Thing

As I said before, beginning a diet and exercise routine is really hard. You gotta reward yourself along the way. Write down a plan for your rewards. DO NOT REWARD YOURSELF WITH FOOD. I’ve found that a good way to reward myself and keep myself motivated is that, with each short term goal I reach, I buy myself some new fitness-related thing since, ya know, that’s what I’m all about now.

REWARD IDEAS

-The first week – obsess over the scale:  The first week of your new lifestyle, you must weigh yourself everyday. Your body is going to be dropping water weight and bloat like mad. Even after taking your first big dump, you’re going to be way lighter. Seeing that number go down and down and down each day that first week feels awesome and is a huge motivator! Eventually, you’ll hit a point where you’re seeing record low numbers and that’s going to make you want to keep going and pushing yourself harder. Eventually, though, that rapid initial weight loss will taper off, but don’t be discouraged. When this happens, change your scale check to Thursday mornings. This is when I’m the lightest because I’m days away from any cheating I may have done over the weekend and everyone’s lightest first thing in the morning. This is a very body-positive time to check your weight.

-A cute workout outfit

-Nice tennis shoes

-A cute refillable water bottle

-A skanky outfit to show off your new bod

Set one big goal for when you reach your dream body. Mine is:

-A sexy photoshoot

I’m probably going to go into debt rewarding myself, but oh well.

Be Shallow

Comparison is the thief of joy …

… unless you’re trying to lose weight.

Literally just today, I was lying in bed masturbating and debating on skipping my run. But then I saw all those hot naked chicks on PornHub and wham bam, I was super motivated to go running.

I’m all about body positivity and loving yourself no matter what size you are. You have to be content the way you are to stick to a weight loss program anyway because it takes such a long time. If you hate your body, you’re eventually not going to want to stick to your workout because it’ll take too long so you’ll find reasons to give up. And I believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and your body can be perfect and healthy at any size. But for many of us, the reason we want to lose weight is because we live in a shallow and superficial world. That’s just the truth. That’s a big reason why I was so bummed about the weight I’d gained even though I still had a healthy height to weight ratio. It’s sad, but it was true for me. So sometimes our reasons for losing weight are just that … shallow and superficial. We want to look hot to the opposite sex. We want to wear the trendy clothes. My point is that if you don’t sometimes think about everything you have to gain (superficially) from losing weight, you might think that ordering that burger and fries is worth it.

Anti-Moral of the Story: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

Constantly Remind Yourself Of The Eight Golden Rules

When I first started this journey, I found this awesome little picture on Pinterest that listed The Eight Golden Rules Of Weight Loss. Everything on the list seemed simple enough. And if you haven’t gathered anything from this post, please take away these Eight Golden Rules and realize that losing weight does not have to be hard.

Here are the Eight Rules:

  1. No alcohol
  2. No food after 9 p.m.
  3. Drink More
  4. Sleep More
  5. More Coffee
  6. More Protein
  7. Less Gym
  8. Eat Whole Foods

I made this list the lock screen on my phone so I had to look at it all the time. I shoot to follow all eight rules every single day, but there have been a few slip ups here and there. Just gotta dust yourself off and try again.

Here’s how I’ve been able to do it.

No alcohol:  As a piece of shit person, this one was out of the question. I majorly cut back on my drinking, but I couldn’t do no alcohol whatsoever. So I had to say goodbye to beer (carbs in a can!) and switch to a more low cal option. Here’s what you have to do if you’re like me: Gin & Tonic or Vodka & Tonic only. Or better yet, Club Soda or Diet Tonic Water. Unfortunately, Club Soda is harder to come by and ordering “Diet Tonic Water” at a bar makes you look like a giant douche. You know what doesn’t make you look like a giant douche at the bar though? Knowing exactly what you want. Bartenders are busy people. If you have a simple, go-to drink, you save them and everyone else time.

No food after 9 PM: Usually by 9 p.m. you’ve had enough calories for the day and late night snacking is probably a case of boredom. Another reason I’ve found is that your body burns calories more slowly when you’re asleep so it’s a good idea to not eat right before bed to prevent that food from sitting like a brick in your stomach all night. This one hasn’t been that hard for me, but there is something about munchies and Netflix at night that just go hand in hand, so sometimes you just gotta be tough and deal with it. Tip: Weigh yourself in morning when you wake up. You want to see a small number on that scale? Don’t eat before bed. Track your calories on My Fitness Pal – get them all in before 9 so you aren’t allowed to have any more. 

Drink more: I don’t know why the picture doesn’t specify that it’s “water” you should be drinking more of, but I think that’s kind of a duh. Did you know that soda and sugary fruit drinks just make you more thirsty because they’re a diuretic? NOT REFRESHING. If you’re thirsty or you need something to wash down your food, drink water. It’s just the best way. It’s also free at restaurants so your broke ass will save money. Not only does water help you lose weight, it makes your face look skinnier and less puffy.

Tip: Buy a huge water bottle and fill it up at least twice throughout the day. Become known as that girl who carries around a giant water bottle. Make water your default answer when ordering. Track your water intake on an app like My Fitness Pal or Plant Nanny, if possible. 

Sleep more: Just try to get at least seven hours. Take sleeping pills or melatonin if you have to.

More coffee:  This one makes me really happy. This one may or may not have been the deal-maker when I decided to live my life by these eight rules. I love drinking coffee. I especially love drinking BLACK coffee, for a few reasons … it makes me feel like a bad ass poet, I like to see the look of surprise when me, a basic white girl, orders black coffee instead of a Pumpkin Spice Latte, it’s cheap, it hypes me up more, and, last but not least, it’s a major appetite suppressant with zero calories. I usually have a cup when I first wake up and then another one when I hit that 2 o’clock slump (and several more in between). Black coffee needs to become your best friend. You need to start treating its foo foo counterparts for what they are — a special treat for every now and again like ice cream and milk shakes. Pumpkin Spice is not coffee. It’s a dessert. If you’re reading this, you probably can’t afford Starbucks anyway. I know what you’re thinking: black coffee tastes gross. You could try swapping it for plain tea. The other thing about this rule is you don’t have to do it … if you don’t have a penchant for that caffeinated head buzz every morning, then don’t start drinking coffee. But if you have to have a Diet Coke every morning to even function, I would highly advise you swap that out with black coffee. Tip: Quit being a little baby and get used to the taste of it. You’ll learn to love it and it’ll make your life so much easier. Once you go black you never go back.  

More protein: Sorry vegetarians, this section isn’t for you. You need to start eating tons of turkey, grilled chicken, and fish. I’ve found that eating plain slices of turkey is a very low calorie, filling, yummy, high protein snack. When I get hungry I’ll eat four slices (one serving) of Land O’ Frost and it’s only 80 calories. Be so carnivorous that you don’t even have to time to be hungry for pasta or potatoes in all their glorious forms. Tips: Try to eat at least one serving of lean meat like chicken, fish, or turkey each day. Use My Fitness Pal or a similar app to track your nutrition. Avoid beef and do one meatless day per week so you’re not a monster. 

Less gym: If this sounds too good to be true, you’re right. “Less gym” is kind of misleading. What this actually means is that you don’t have to spend as much time working out as you thought. The article explains that a short session of High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) burns more fat than a long cardio session. This basically means that you do a high burst of activity followed by the low burst of activity. Run for a minute, walk for a minute. Things like that. If you want to find some good HIIT workout plans, check out Pinterest. There are TONS! I started off doing the HIIT workouts from Pinterest before coming up with my own customized workout plan, which I like way more. But maybe the HIIT workouts will be right up your alley. And on the bright side, most of them are like 20 – 30 minutes long.

Eat whole foods: Shoot for whole grains, fruits, vegetables, hormone- and antibiotic-free meat, avoid fast food like the plague. IF YOU MUST EAT FAST FOOD, because let’s be serious, life happens, try to order something healthy. Almost all fast food places have a wrap, salad or chicken sandwich of some sort that you can order. And for the love of god, woman, order water and a small fry instead of the combo meal (if you absolutely must have fries). If your order involves you saying a number then your diet is in trouble (e.g. “I’ll have a number 7 combo” is no longer in your vocab). Tips: Food prep is your friend even if you hate cooking. There are ways around cooking. 

I hope these little Golden Rules help you as much as they’ve helped me. Keep an inventory each night before bed of how many of the eight (or nine if you so choose) you achieved that day! Yesterday was a 9/9 day for me!

I hope these tips for how to lose weight even though you’re a giant garbage girl have been helpful. Best of luck to you assholes.

 

Do you have a unique weight loss story you’d like to write about for JULIE? Pitch your idea to julie.editor1@gmail.com. 

1 Comment

  1. Love your writing style. It was go good at Xmas to see your slender body!!
    PS: However I could have done without reading the paragraph about your masturbating!
    signed,
    Yo G’ma!!
    🙂

    Like

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