February is the month of love and Valentine’s Day is officially here. Whether you’ve found true love, you’re looking it, or you’ve plain given up, we hope your Valentine’s Day is better than these four bad dates!

 

I would have to say one of the funniest bad date stories I have is from 2007. Keep in mind that that year was the height of scene culture. So I was sixteen and going on a first date with this scene guy that I thought was super cute and I was really excited. I spent forever getting ready and wore my favorite outfit. I went to his apartment to pick him up (he didn’t have a car), and I knocked on the door, thinking he’d be ready to go to dinner. When he answered, he was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and had a bunch of buddies over playing video games. “Uh, have a seat,” he said. The me now would’ve been like, “I’m out of here!” But I was younger and dumber, so I just said, “Okay” and watched him and his friends play Grand Theft Auto for like half an hour. It gets worse. Then I had to wait for him get ready. Do you know how much time and effort went into the scene look?? He spent more time straightening his hair to a perfect sheet over his left eye than he did playing video games! I was so annoyed and was really starting to regret agreeing to this date. I think I even said something like, “We can do this another time…” We finally left and decided to eat at Panera – I don’t really remember why. I don’t remember what we talked about in the car, but I do remember that the whole time we were eating all he talked about was how much he could bench press. In excruciating detail. He told me how much he could bench at ages 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18, and what his future bench pressing goals were. It was so boring and I did not care. I also found it kind of ironic that he was trying to look so macho when I had just watched him spend all that time on his hair. I drove him home and did not give him a kiss goodnight. Needless to say, we did not go on another date.

*****

 

My “worst date” story is from 2013. I was in Europe visiting family and friends and was spending some time in Munich, Germany. I went to a party at which I met a nice boy named Paul and he had asked me on a date in his cute German accent. We talked for a while at this party and I had mentioned to him that I had been in Europe for weeks, but had yet to go visit a concentration camp. He (I assumed at the time- jokingly) mentioned that we should go to Dachau, a concentration camp/museum in Munich, on our date. Two days later, I found myself waiting for him to pick me up to take me to Dachau. As we went on through the guided tour, I found myself trying so hard to suppress tears, but ultimately failing miserably and within 20 minutes, my mascara was smeared all over my face. He wanted to get coffee after, but I just wanted to go home and cry in bed. We took the metro back to my stop and I couldn’t even formulate sentences or keep a conversation going because I was so distraught. He eventually tried to kiss me and I gently pushed him away and that’s when I really knew our romance wasn’t going to go anywhere. Anyway, I hope he’s doing well and boys, maybe don’t take a lady to a concentration camp for your first date?

*****

 

Can Valentine’s Day just be wiped off the calendar for the rest of eternity? I HATE this holiday. And I don’t just say that because I’m single. In fact, I will purposely stay single until Valentine’s Day is over to avoid the awkwardness of a first V-Day together. Namely because about five years ago I was working the evening shift and waiting to get off to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my newish boyfriend. We’d been dating a couple months and really liked each other, but it was nothing serious. So, I just got him a cute card (I still don’t know what to get guys on V-Day) and I hadn’t written anything in the card yet because everything seemed so awkward and corny, so I decided to put it off until after work. Well, at this particular restaurant EVERYONE there smoked pot. Except me. After closing with one other employee, she asked if I wanted to “smoke with her” and for whatever reason, I decided to go for it. I took maaaybe three hits then next thing I know driving home PARANOID OUT OF MY MIND that I’m going to get pulled over. I was so stoned that I wouldn’t even be able to have a conversation with a cop, let alone convince him I was normal and didn’t need to go to jail. But, somehow, I made it home. I threw on some jeans and a T-shirt and sat down to write in the card. What the fuck am I going to write? “You mean so much to me…?” OK, but you can’t put just THAT. “I like getting drunk and cuddling with you…?” It was true, but nooope. We weren’t even saying, “I love you” at this point or saying anything sentimental, tbh.  “What if he didn’t even get me anything?” I thought in my paranoia. By this point, it had to be after 1 A.M. so I get in my car and head over, empty handed. Turns out, he had bought me flowers, a teddy bear, and a really sweet card. And I had NOTHING.  And I’m an asshole for the rest of my life. I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY.

*****

 

A few months back a guy from Tinder asked me on a date. I had only messaged back and forth with him for a bit, but since we had several mutual friends I figured he was probably a cool guy and I agreed to meet him. What I realized very quickly was that while he was a nice guy, he was also very extroverted and talkative. Like, to an extreme. It felt like I was talking to a game-show host/stand-up comedian who wasn’t funny. A few minutes into the date I knew I was going to be exhausted by the end of it. I do enjoy deep conversation, but it needs to be two-sided. This guy literally talked about himself the entire date and interrupted me if I even tried to talk about myself. He said he was taking me to watch some live music at a local bar, but what he didn’t tell me is that his punk rock band was going to be playing that evening and I was going to be sitting by myself watching them the entire night. I guess he was wanting to impress me because in between songs sometimes he would stop by and say, “I’m pretty good on guitar, right?” and just basically brag about himself. I was annoyed that he didn’t tell me I would be sitting alone watching his band all night, and it also meant men kept coming up to me trying to hit on me throughout the night because I was dressed up and sitting alone at the bar. I finally got so frustrated that I made up an excuse to leave and had a friend pick me up. I think he took the hint. I love live music, but as a first date I don’t recommend talking about yourself constantly and then abandoning your date to show-off onstage. Total boner-killer.

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