By Ryan Gregory

I’m a Taco Bell connoisseur. I’ve been eating at Taco Bell religiously for decades. Also, it doesn’t make me shit like everybody thinks it does so stop tagging me in memes. If that’s your personal problem with Taco Bell, then you can stop reading now. Just don’t go there. There are so many things I love about Taco Bell. I hope they serve Steak Quesadillas, Doritos Locos Tacos, Cheesy Gordita Crunches, and Bean Burritos with Jalapeño Sauce in Heaven.  Without further ado, here are the four Joplin Taco Bells and my expert opinion on them.

 

Petro

At whatever cost, avoid this Taco Bell. Go to one of the other ones. First of all, it doesn’t have a drive thru, which is Taco Bell 101. Second, truckers order a shit load of food and the wait time is horrendous. Also, it’s combined with a Pizza Hut so it’s just not genuine. I bet the employees brag about having two jobs since they work at both a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell, but I’m not impressed.

 

26th and Main

This Taco Bell is the second worst one in Joplin because it has the garbage burrito that drove me to going live for the first time on Facebook to rant. The service is either really really fast or really slow. This one always seems like it has a really long line too. I’m also not a fan of the rustic look. I want to feel like I’m eating faux Mexican fast food not like I’m in an Aspen Colorado Ski Resort. If I wanted to feel like I had to get dressed up, I’d go to Olive Garden. Also, the way the building faces the sun, you cannot sit on the south side of the building without the side of your face getting fried off which sucks at lunchtime because no one ever sits there because they, too, have had their face fried worse than the Naked Chicken Chalupa.

 

Range Line

This Taco Bell comes in second because the waiting area for your food is kind of awkward – why is it a circle? The drive thru is not ideal because the parking lot is too narrow. Cars are always getting backed up into the road. For some reason, this one always has a bunch of stupid teenagers in there hanging out which totally kills my vibe. I also used to steal trays from here and go to Humphrey Park and slide down the long slide until I ate shit on the cedar chips. So this is why it’s second best because I never got caught. It has the same rustic décor as Main Street which sucks.

 

Seventh Street

This one is especially my favorite for several reasons because it’s also close to my girlfriend’s house so it’s the perfect hangover remedy that everyone has come to know and love. Also, it has the awesome purple and green 90s vibe in it which is the shit. It’s the perfect surroundings for me to wear obnoxious hungover clothing such as dress shoes and pajama pants. The waiting area is wide and open. I don’t feel some cattle stuck in a circle. The only downside really to this Taco Bell is you’ll get a lot of trash that blows over from Kansas, if you get what I’m saying. This Taco Bell staff has the guy with the deep voice that’s perfect for radio or for the drive thru speaker. If you live on the west side of Joplin, count yourself #blessed that you can visit this T Bell that has it all.

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