Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
Tauruses are known for their laid back, quiet nature. You don’t like a lot of craziness. But this year, all your friends and family will throw you a huge surprise party and a stripper will jump out of a cake. NOT your idea of fun.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20)
You’ve finally decided go platinum blonde, but your hair is going to look more Kentucky Fried Chicken than Dolly Parton.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22)
While on a flight this month to your dream tropical vacation you’ll use the bathroom. Surprise! Aunt Flo is joining you on your trip.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
You’re going to forget to get your mom a Mother’s Day present. And she’ll never let you forget it.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
You’ve been waiting all year for Memorial Weekend so you can camp and go on a float trip. But your boss has other plans for that weekend and you’re going to spend it in a cubicle.
Libra (9/23 – 10/21)
If you’re graduating from High School or College this May, Libra, be careful because this Trolloscope has you cursed to trip on the stage.
Scorpio (10/22 – 11/21)
Summer is finally here and you want to have a faux bronzey glow for an upcoming barbecue or lounging by the pool. But instead of bronzey glow, you’re going to be a streaky hoe. #TrumpTwin
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
You and your love will decide to have a romantic picnic in the park to enjoy a sunny Saturday. But swarming ants and bees have other plans for you. As you escape you see a raccoon waddle up and start pigging out on your food!
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
That cute bandeaux swimsuit top you just bought? The first time you’re climbing out of the pool, it’ll be around your waist.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
You’ll be on a float trip this month, and you’ll be standing up in the boat dancing your ass off because you’re wasted. But then you’ll see a snake in the water and freak out and fall in. To add insult to injury, your phone was in your pocket.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
You’ll splurge on a beautiful new pair sandals for summer and the first time you wear them, they’ll rub a hellacious blister on your foot.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
You’ve finally decided to try your hand at gardening. Just once you get everything planted and ready, we’ll get an unexpected frost.