I remember the first day we met. It was a warm April day and I was wearing a purple shirt with straps in the back. I dressed particularly cute this day because I was meeting you for the first time. You were wearing cargo shorts and a black Hurley shirt with black sunglasses and your hair, dark brown, flipped out at the end. You were adorable. I didn’t want to show that I was into you, because, as I do, I wanted to play hard to get. Your smile was so cute (now, I don’t even know the last time I saw you smile). In the music store, you grabbed my hand, and in that moment, with butterflies flying around in my stomach, I thought that this was going to be something. You eventually told me some crazy story about how your wallet and Beats headphones were stolen at a party the night before and were drinking vodka out of a sonic cup. For some reason, I thought you were genuine and really the victim. I didn’t realize that you were going to play the victim throughout our entire relationship.
I don’t know what it was about you, but maybe you were such a good victim that I wanted to help and to fix things. That was the kind of nurturing person I was. I feel like from day one, you took advantage of that. It was hard to resist a cute guy that was sweet, needed to be fixed, and needed someone to be there for them. I never had someone who needed me in that way. It was a new feeling. I liked being needed. Looking back, this was one of the moments in my life I regret the most. I wish I would have told you to screw off and to fix yourself.
We became official on April 11, 2010. I was a freshman in college and was living with my mom. You asked me out over a text message. This day stuck out to me for multiple reasons: 1. It was the day that started a relationship that would eventually make me depressed and 2. You showed me the kind of person you were that night when you told me not to hang out with my best friend, who was a male. Jealousy, I suppose. Thank you for that by the way. I lost my best friend because of you.
As time progressed, you shared many stories with me. One in particular sticks out. You told me your brother died in a car accident. I felt awful. I even told my mom, and she felt awful. When your mom picked you up from my house one day, your brother was in the passenger seat. I asked, “Who’s that?” You told me it was your cousin.
I’m not quite sure when I realized you were a manipulative liar and an addict. It took too long for me to realize. I wish that when I did finally realize it, I would have told you to fuck off. It didn’t take long for you to become a full blown addict and the best manipulator I had ever met.
For seven years, you made me believe you deserved chance after chance. For seven years, you made me believe that I was in the wrong and that you did nothing. For seven years, you manipulated me into stealing our money.
I don’t know how many times our bills got shut off. I don’t know how many times I had to ask my parents for money. I don’t know how many times your parents had to pay our rent. I don’t know how many times I stayed up crying at night wishing things would be different. I don’t know how many times I asked you to stop using drugs and to get help. I don’t know how many times you told me you didn’t have a problem.
You could never tell me the truth, even about the smallest things that weren’t even significant. Everything you ever told me was a manipulation to make me not suspect you of spending our money. You were a professional manipulator. You could win the gold in the manipulation Olympics.
Just so you know, you BROKE me. I was never this person before I met you. And although you never physically abused me, you are the epitome of mental abuse. I became so depressed being with you.
How do I overcome this? How do I even move on from seven years of lies and manipulations? How do I get any of my friends back that I lost? How do I ever trust anyone again? Is it possible?
I don’t know if I will ever be able to have a normal relationship again. I don’t know if it’s possible to be able to fully trust anyone again. Ten years from now, when I might be married, I will still have doubts about my spouse. I thank you for that. Our relationship was nothing but you being narcissistic and manipulative while I was constantly doubting and stressing. It is hard to overcome something like that.
But, I will. I will fight. I will fight until I have no fight left in me, and then I will fight more to forget about everything you did to me. I will gain new friends, new partners, and confidence in myself, again. I can’t continue to hold this grudge. I will never move on if I do. So I will forgive you, and then I will forget you. Then I will live the life I always wanted for myself, without you.
(If any of you reading this are waiting for a sign to leave someone who is this way, this is it. Please get out while you can. Please don’t waste any more of your time on someone who is not willing to give you everything you deserve. Please.)
Do you think you might be in an abusive relationship? Read about some of the signs here.