Astrology Witch

By Krystal Lambert

I had to roll up my sleeves and take off my earrings to write this one, friends. If you have spent more than five seconds with me in person y’all already know what I’m about. I’m gonna need that date of birth, city of birth, and it better be that exact time of birth on your birth certificate if you want your rising sign to be accurate, B. I’m on my Astrology shit day and night and I’m about to womansplain this entire deal.

I’ve had one too many Chads who believe in trickle down economics tell me Astrology is pseudoscience. This criticism generally comes from people who have never actually studied the roots of Astrology, and don’t understand how ancient, nuanced and complicated it is. It’s more a philosophy or pseudo-religion than anything. I use the phrase “pseudo-religion” to emphasize that, while its roots were actually the birth of most modern day religion, it holds none of the oppressive dogma that religion does. It is harmless. It is merely the study of the movements and relative positions of celestial objects as a means of divining information about human affairs and terrestrial events.


“This is the cross of the Zodiac, one of the oldest conceptual images in human history. It reflects the sun as it figuratively passes through the 12 major constellations over the course of a year. It also reflects the 12 months of the year, the four seasons, and the solstices and equinoxes. The term Zodiac relates to the fact that constellations were anthropomorphized, or personified, as figures or animals.

In other words, the early civilizations did not just follow the sun and stars, they personified them with elaborate myths involving their movements and relationships. The sun, with its life-giving and -saving qualities was personified as a representative of the unseen creator or god…”God’s Sun,” the light of the world, the savior of human kind. Likewise, the 12 constellations represented places of travel for God’s Sun and were identified by names, usually representing elements of nature that happened during that period of time. For example, Aquarius, the water bearer, who brings the Spring rains.”

-Zeitgeist Documentary, 2007


As someone who has a degree in the Christian Bible, I can tell you there are a ton of references to Astrology in the Old Testament and the New Testament. While I don’t think this makes Astrology any more credible than religious texts, it does prove just how long Astrology has been around. When Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with the 10 Commandments, the Israelites were found worshipping a golden bull calf of their own making. The Bible says that Moses, in a fit of righteous anger, threw down the stone tablets and they broke. Was it because he found God’s people worshipping an idol, as church would tell it? Or is it because the Israelites were worshipping a bull, the symbol of Taurus, and Moses came to usher in the new age of Aries the Ram. To this day the Ram’s horn is blown as a symbol of Moses.

Fast forward to the New Testament, and you have Jesus Christ ushering in the age of Pisces the Fish. The New Testament is ripe with fish imagery, from Jesus feeding five thousand people with five loaves of bread and two fish, to Jesus recruiting several fisherman to be his disciples. To this day, the “Jesus Fish” is a common symbol of Christianity. This is merely the pagan symbol for the age of Pisces.

In Bible college we discussed this mysterious piece of text where Jesus’ disciples asked when they would see him again following his death:
 “He replied, As you enter the city, a man carrying a jar of water will meet you. Follow him to the house that he enters.” – Luke 22:10
This passage makes zero sense because men did not bear pitchers of water during this

time in human history. Women where charged with bearing pitchers of water on their heads, as it was considered part of a woman’s “chores.” For a man to do such a thing would be humiliating and beneath his status in society. This points to another great allegory in the New Testament, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. The ages of the Zodiac last around two thousand years, so it seems that Jesus was simply referring to the end of the age of Pisces and to beginning of the Age of Aquarius, which is symbolized as a man bearing a pitcher of water.

There are several allegories within many different ancient religious texts that seem to be telling the same stories told by the cross of the Zodiac. The story of the sun (son), and his twelve planets or disciples which follow him around.

Now before I bore you too much with the history and relevancy side of Astrology, let meimage4 (7) give you my personal account of why I believe there is something to it. We Millennials love our Myers Briggs, Enneagram, anything that can tell us more about who we are and why we are like this. Introspection and self-awareness are hallmarks of our generation. We truly want to know ourselves. I can say with confidence that I never fully understood myself until I delved deeper into Astrology. I was always curious about it from a young age, and always felt that the characteristics of Aquarius sounded just like me. It wasn’t until someone read and analyzed my natal chart for me that I realized just how deep and complicated the world of Astrology goes.

Did you know that you have three major signs that dictate your personality, and 10 other planetary positions that also play into your personality? Before you call bullshit you literally have to google it up. Search for birth chart (I suggest Astro-Charts and theres also an app called Co-Star) put in your info and read up on it. For example, I’m a double Aquarius, meaning my sun and moon are both in the constellation of Aquarius. However, my Rising/Ascendent sign is Cancer. So my big three are Aqua/Aqua/Cancer which makes for an interesting mix. Aquarians are known as the visionaries, rebels, image2 (10)geniuses, humanitarians, but overall seem detached, cold and emotionless. Since my rising/ascendant sign is Cancer, I’m prone to more emotions than your average Aquarius because Cancer is the cry baby sign. They are also the warm, loving, protective mother and I am definitely that person to my friends. Someone who is a sun sign Cancer would be more likely to actually be a mother, whereas with my sun and moon being in Aquarius, the sign of friendship, I am that mother to my friends. I also have a moon face, (round and luminous) as Cancer is ruled by the moon and our physical appearance is often dictated by our rising sign.

image3 (10)Outside of your big three you have your Mercury sign (how you communicate), your Venus sign (how you love and experience pleasure), your Mars sign (how you fight or handle conflict), your Saturn sign (your quarter life crisis around age 30), and many more.

I could give you about a thousand different examples of Astrology making sense for me, my relationships, friendships, how I get along with co-workers, family, everything. It keeps making more sense the more I study it, kinda the opposite of religion for me. I currently live with a Taurus who loves food, relaxing, napping, and all things cozy. I work for an extremely fast-thinking, fast-talking Gemini who has new brilliant ideas everyday. I just broke up with a fun-loving but irresponsible Sagittarius who lives in the present moment so much he can’t seem to plan for the future. Every Virgo I have ever met needs to stop being so overly critical of themselves before they die of anxiety. My best friend is a fellow Aquarius, she shares my vision for the future of humanity and rides alongside with me into the sunset, two weirdos trying to make the world a better place. Come to think of it, I don’t know one person who doesn’t fit their natal chart almost exactly. I can spot an Aries from a mile away, and usually hear them too. And yes, the best sex I’ve ever had was with a Scorpio.

Astrology may not be an exact science, but there is something to it. I challenge anyone who is skeptical to actually research its roots and it’s many different facets before dismissing it. Also, like let people enjoy things? If it’s not hurting anyone? Like if someone is on a journey of self-discovery please don’t interrupt it by making fun of their methods? Looking at you Capricorns…

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