It’s Spring Break, and there’s a good chance you’ll be getting lit af throughout the week, and you’re likely to encounter a few of these bar-dwelling archetypes. Have fun and be safe! xoxo
(Disclaimer: #notallmen #womendoittoo #juliegirlsarealsogarbage #stopcrying)
Let’s be honest, when you regularly go out in a small town like Joplin you tend to see the same faces week after week until the bar scene starts to feel like one big house party. But every once in a while, especially on drinking holidays like St. Patrick’s Day, you encounter The Amateur. The Amateur can usually be spotted as the loudest guy in the room, often shouting “Shots! Shots! Shots!” He’s probably wearing a Hollister T-shirt under a button-up. You have to admit it’s actually kind of impressive how he can drunkenly ask for advice on getting his ex-girlfriend back and hit on you in the same sentence. By 11:30 he’s tumbling out of the barstool to the floor.
The Hipster Know-it-all
Whatever you’ve done, he’s done it better and 10 years prior to you. Everything you enjoy whether it be bands or the type of drink you’re planning to use to get shitty is never going to be “good enough” for him, so don’t even try, hunney! Honestly, you probably shouldn’t even talk to him unless your personal history is squeaky clean and you don’t have opinions on literally anything, ultimately giving him the never-ending spotlight.
The Angry Nerd
Angry Nerds have a lot in common with the Hipster Know-it-all with a few notable differences. While both Hipsters and Angry Nerds have a lot of disdain for “basic girls” or “girls who are drunk and having fun,” the Hipster probably still gets laid on a pretty regular basis. The Angry Nerd does not. Angry Nerds can usually be spotted wearing a fedora or maybe a chain wallet. Another breed of Angry Nerd is aging hxc boy. He was into the whole hardcore/brotherhood thing in 2006-2009 and hasn’t quite let go. His hobbies include video games, sexist jokes (which he refers to as ‘satire’), mocking popular things on social media (e.g. dog filter), hating entertainment geared toward teen girls (e.g. Keeping Up with the Kardashians), and calling girls who won’t sleep with him “whores.” Catchprase: “If women really want equality, shouldn’t we be allowed to hit them?”
The Stage Five Clinger
This is the dude that’s part of the squad for the night simply by proximity. You’ve never seen him before but he somehow knows all of your names. He follows you and your girlfriends around all night, and the conversation is friendly at first until you’re increasingly too drunk for his small talk. His night finally comes to an end when the drunkest member of the squad has the heart to tell him to fuck off.
Garbage Boy (also known as Fuck Boy)
You’re sure to run into the Garbage Boy at the bar, but it’s likely you’ve already seen this guy on Tinder. You’ve seen that you have several mutual friends and have seen him around downtown quite a few times. Initially you may be flattered that he matched with you because he seems to be quite popular around town/on social media. Little do you know that he swipes right on literally every girl on Tinder, and his social media persona is about all there is to him. He starts off sweet and polite enough but once you hang out with/hook up with him a few times, he starts actin up. Ignoring your texts but still stalking your Snap story, making of up excuses for why he stood you up, trying to downgrade you to booty call without losing your attention completely. He thrives on attention from women but doesn’t quite know what to do once he chases them down. The minute anything resembles a real dating relationship he hides in the bushes, or runs home to post self-deprecating memes on Instagram. If you gather the guts to confront him for ghosting on you, he will ignore your messages completely, hoping to pretend like nothing is happening or ever did.
The Gym Bro
You’ve seen him at the gym (and have probably not talked to him for a reason), but this is likely his only chance he’ll have ever to whip up the [liquid] courage to talk to you. “Er… you go to my gym, right?” To which you’ll be forced to answer because the patriarchy has convinced your brain and soul that you should be nice to everyone that talks to you at all times and then you’ll will likely figure out all he wants to do is a)talk to you about his bench press and then b)take you home so he can tell all of his gym bros the next day.
The Seasoned Older Guy
Of all the dudes you meet downtown, the Seasoned Older Guy is probably the one who’s going to give you the least amount of grief. You rarely see him getting blasted drunk. They typically aren’t raging horndogs trying desperately to get laid. They’ve lived enough years to relax and not be so judgmental of young chicks getting drunk (“I remember what I was like at that age”). They aren’t afraid of women so they talk to you like a regular person. The Seasoned Older Guy can come in a few forms. Commonly, he’s in his late 30s or early 40s, recently divorced and first getting back out on the town. Or maybe he’s married or separated or something weird but goes out a lot anyway. Sometimes he’s just a really old guy who still likes to party (and give lots of hugs). It can be easy to catch feelings for the Silver Fox by moonlight, but when you find out he has a daughter who’s 5 years younger than you, it might be time to bolt.
You may not have met this guy at the bar, but chances are you’ll find him stalking your favorite bar soon enough. He waves subtle red flags from the start, even from the way you met him. Maybe he sends you a FB message when you have no mutual friends, or in my case, saves your number after you had to call for directions to his house to deliver his pizza (yes, real.) You may notice these creeper signs but ignore them against your better judgement. When you find out he’s lied about his deets (he is 19 not 23, he doesn’t actually have a job or car like he said, etc.) you will wake up and kick him to the curb. But this is when it gets scary. He won’t stop texting so you block his number. Then you have to block him on FB, instagram, Snapchat, and even Twitter. He then starts messaging your friends about you, shows up at your work, and your favorite bar even though he is underage. This can go on for months. He creates new social media accounts hoping to talk you into another chance. Eventually you resort to asking your guy friends to threaten him and considering a restraining order. The lesson here is, ladies, if he seems like a creep from day one it’s best to trust your gut and get the hell away from this one.